I don't really know why I'm posting... I guess I just need to talk and get some things out that I can't tell anyone... but I guess this just isn't the place. I still know people who check this, so I don't even really know why I'm writing. =/
Besides needing to get one thing out, I'm good.

It's been a long time since I've frequesnted these pages of livejournal. What a adventure I've been on since. I started raving on May 5, 2007. It has been some of the best and worst times of my life. Some really shitty things started happening to me and my family and so I started raving to escape my reality. Some more shitty things happened and I thought I was getting punished for (literally) finding my happy place. However, I let raving take over some aspects of my life and it's turned out for the best. I have grown so much over the past year and a half. I know exactly who I won't be friends with next year and who I WILL be friends with in 50 years. I have the three of the most wonderful people in the world as my best friends. They all come from such different backgrounds and are all at such different areas of their lives, but I connect with all of them perfectly and I know they'll be with me forever. To Matthew, Steven, and Jen, I love you with all my heart and soul. You three are truly my soulmates.
I had the most perfect birthday that anyone could have dreamed of. My friends and I (now named the "Fab 5") went to Disneyland for my birthday, which isn't really special, but it was just a fun thing to do. We got a hotel room at the Grand Californian (a 5 star hotel, btw) and as part of the Year of a Million Dreams, our room got upgraded to a one bedroom suite for free. It was amazing. I had the time of my fucking life and my friends and I bonded in such an unbreakable way. It was fantastic. My fellow "Fab 5" members are Steven, Jen, Amanda, and Kire. We are always down for a good time, and that is what makes us the perfect team. =)
I have held many jobs. I am currently working at the YMCA as a counselor. It is both fun and horrible. haha. It is fun because some of the kids are just the cutest things that ever walked the damn earth. However, some of them are just crybabies and troublemakers and whiners... but yeah. I've learned to deal. I am currently looking for a second job just to have some extra cashflow. Wish me luck with that.

Anyways, to conclude this entry, I am fantastic. I feel more loved than I have in a very very long time. My friends are the best, the perfect mixture of supportive and fun. I love my life and I hope that you're doing as well as I.

Only love will set you free,
-Megan

Not really.


Just letting you know I'm alive...

Even though the one person that WOULD check this kinda hates me... psh. What-the fuck-ever.

Hi, I'm alive. And I'm fucking fabulous.

And Update, good friends!


I came a'snoop'n around ElJay again today for the first time in a while. I sneak over to my starringmegan journal and realize that I put up a friends only banner on May 23rd, 2005 but dated it 2007 in order for it to stay at the top.
Well, if any of you noticed, today's date is May 23, 2007. I figured with me coming back to ElJay on that particular day, some sort of post had to be made, whether it was in this journal or not.

I shall be posting secrets once a week. I have no decided if I would like them in this journal or starringmegan, but I will be sure to inform those interested.
I think Quel is the only person who knows what I'm talking about... hm.



I am well. I am tired and busy and sometimes frustrated and angry, but I am well altogether. I hope the same about you all.

-Megan

P.S.- I would like to say that I am amazed that I can still remember ElJay coding. Oh em gee.

The in previous hours of my life, I have done much thinking. I have pondered the answers to many questions, including some that I have determined have no answers. I can not focus on the task at hand (and I don't even know what that task it). Thoughts of all shapes and colors have crossed my mind, many of them dark and dreadful. Some were full of love and understanding, but my pessimisum dismissed those thoughts with more dark ones. I understand how apathetic and disconnected I sound, but it's only because I have been apathetic and disconnected from everything.
My past hours have been zoning. I can not do anything unless I am alone or zoned into something, such as dancing. Nothing has been holding satisfaction, not even my usual TV lineup. I have fallen deeply into Death Cab and not done much else except lie iin my pajamas and listen to them, pondering the aforementioned questions. Their music has been going in my ears for over 24 hours, and it still continues.
I do not know how this is going to help any of what I have been feeling lately, but I figured I need to log the instances of my life that are noteworthy and I feel I need to log the dark, not just the light. It would be unfair to my morbid moments to ignore them. As an artist, I must embrace it all.
Embrace it all. That used to be my motto. Funny how life turns around on you, isn't it?
No. It's not funny at all.
Today I adventured out to the valley to meet a simple American favorite. His name was Frank, and although he is a nationally recognized artist, he is just a regular guy providing theraputic help to people and himself. It contented me to know that it wasn't just something he made money on. It was something he really enjoyed.
I wish to hermit myself in my room for a couple more days, but previous commitments have made it impossible. I must leave my house tonight for astronomy. Ah, well, at least it's something that brings me joy on this night. Tomorrow, I begin work again. My final week is approaching and I know not what it holds.
Tonight, Grey's Anatomy is on. I hope this show will still give the simple happiness that it usually supplies me with.

Here's a riddle for ya: pretend no one and nothing exisited. Who are you now?

When everything is wrong, we move along.


I'm so nervous and frightened and upset.  I feel like if I don't get this job, I won't be good enough for anyone.  I know it sounds lame and petty, but it's just how I feel.  I'm not going to have anyone with me and I don't know what I'm doing anymore.  I don't know why I think I can do this or anything.
I feel pressured and I feel alone.  Not in an alone sense, but just in a lonely sense...  I don't know if that makes sense to anyone, but... I understand it, and this is really only for me anyway.
I don't know if this is actually me or just me being nervous about tomorrow. 
Matt has to give his dog away and I can't help but think it's all my fault.  Bailey really is so freak'n cute, honestly.  Well, she got a little rowdy today and she bit my ear and pulled, drawing much blood and causing much, much pain.  Yeah, it hurt, but shit happens.  Matt's mom found out and now she is selling Bailey.  I can't help but think that it's my fault.  If I just acted like it didn't matter or hurt or anything, she still might be a Hunter.  I don't know.
This could be my weird altered state of being due to my nervousness, but I can't freak'n help it.

I feel like my entire life is balancing on the brink of "good" or "bad" and tomorrow is the deciding point that makes it clear which is which. 

I am lonely.
I am scared.
I am confused.
I am guilty.
I am sorry.

I am so, so sorry.

This is posted here only because I know he never reads my Eljay.




Matt said that the last four years of his life has been the worst.  Not some of the worst, THE worst.  I was offended.  I AM offended... how am I supposed to react?  I mean...  the worst years of his life!  That's a huge deal... that's saying that I'm part of the worst years of his life!! 

I reacted accordingly.  And then when I acted offended, he didn't apologize or rearrange what he said.  He just said, "that's not what I meant."  And then when I kept on about it, HE got mad at ME and said he didn't hate anyone except me...  I mean...   ouch.

I am honestly and deeply offended... and hurt.  I might be overreacting, but... I don't think he understands how hurt I was. 

Fine, I'm overly sensitive.  Whatever.  I still think I'm right.

Does this make sense?  I hope so...

I don't think they're allowing MySpace to be an accessed website anymore at Moorpark.  >=O

What the hell?  It's not bad!  Yeah, it can distract from... whatever, but if they're a good student anyway, then why does it matter?


WAH.... give it back to me.  =(

Maybe it's just my computer.  I'll go downstairs and let you know how it turns out. 

MySpace:  So blogs aren't working over there lately.  It's been a while.  This happened last time and I was like, "Jigga wha?" But then they started working again a couple days later.  I've waited for-freaking-ever  for them to work again, and they haven't.  So... I've returned to livejournal land.  Hello.
Car:  Okay...  I  still don't have a car and it's uber-lamesauce.  I don't even know how I make it to work and back sometimes.  I spent $40 on a taxi once...  it was horrible.  I wanted to shoot myself in the head... not really, but you get it.  It's hard to save up for a car because I'm so in debt right now (with everything).  I just...  I'm stressed out my money situation, so... yeah.  Anyway, my parents are getting a new car tomorrow!   Isn't that amazing?!  I'm so happy for them!!!  They've been waiting for this day for so long... and now they're like, "We're buying a car tomorrow, Megan."  So... yeah.  We're keeping the van (aka the Whale, the Boat, the Woodpecker) and they said I'll be able to use that to go back and forth to work but they don't want me using it for whatever use.  They want to be a "2-car family" or whatever.  So... starting Monday, I'll have definate rides to work from now on.  Yesss....
Phone:  So... last you all knew, my phone was lost in the abyss that is Magic Mountain.  Well...  I never got it back.  It's sad and horrible and I wanted to cry... and I think I did a couple times.  Anyway, I called the insurance company and put my claim in and all, so that's good.  My phone is on backorder, so they aren't sending it to me right now.  *Sigh*  So... ya know.  However, I had them switch service to my old phone so that way people could at least CONTACT me when they wanted.  So... I have a phone now.  Hopefully I'll have my amazing one again in the next couple weeks.  =(  And this time I WON'T take it inside Magic Mountain.
Season Pass:  I haven't used it in the last couple weeks, but that's okay.  We did Hurricane Harbor ("we" meaning Matt and I) like, last week or something.. the week before.... something like that.  It was a lot of fun.  I definatly want to go again and I want to get a private cabana.  They have these little tenty things with four chairs, a table, and you're secluded from everyone else. It's a prvate cabana for only a little more.  How aweome is that?!  So... I'm definatly doing that if we go again.  Both parks are going to be SO busy now that school is out, though...  blah.
Movies:   I have seen SO MANY freaking movies lately, I don't even know if I can name them all...  Let's try.  Cars, The Break-Up, The Lake House, and Fast and the Furious 3, Over the Hedge, The Omen... I think that's all the ones I haven't mentioned...  In either case, I've seen everything out basically.  I haven't seen Nacho Libre yet, but I know I'm going to, even if I don't want to.  It will be something to do.  Movies I don't suggest are The Break-Up (horrible storyline.  It's such a girly "I'm gonna make you want me when you say you don't but you really do" way...  it's such a high school game that I don't care about in my life so why would I want to see it on screen?), The Omen (I don't like scary movies, you know that...), and The Fast and the Furious 3 (because one guy looks like Jackie Chan, another looks like a mutant, and the lead has the most annoying voice and accent.  The only tie in to the other in Vin Diesel at the end for, like, thirty seconds.  If you like cars... a lot... then maybe.  But I like the first one better.  Much better casting in the first... yeah.)....  the end.
Work:  Yay!  I like my job.  I'm a crazy worker, though, because we only have a total of five employees on our payroll right now.  In the time I've been there, we have lost five people.  FIVE.  It's sad.  But we're managing and everything seems to be working out okay...  In any case, I'm trained now and working between 40-45 hours a week.  So... I'll be making bank... hopefully about $600 on this upcoming check...  *sigh*  We'll see. A girl can dream.
Life:  I'm crazy...  I'm so so so crazy... yeah. 
Money:  makes me hate my life.  The end.

You won't catch me around here,
-Megan